I’m Not Feeling It

Dear Readers,

Do you see how I add an “S” on to the word “Reader”? How presumptuous of me.

I’m going to be super honest with you guys in this post. I am not feeling every single aspect of my life right now. I know, I know. “Boo hoo”, “Poor thing”, and “Rub some dirt in it” all probably come to your mind (yes Autumn, if you’re reading this, I know I’m projecting!). Side note: My good friend Autumn is a counselor, ’nuff said. But honestly, and really, I have a sense that I need to shift (or allow something to shift) in a different direction in my life.

Before anybody gets preachy, allow me to kindly hand you the sock that you desperately need for your pie hole. I know that not every part of my life is going to feel great even most of the time! I know that life is not meant (from a Christian perspective) to feel good or easy all of the time. I know my problems are minute compared to some other people, and I know that I have an overall good life. I typically air on the side of positivity and I’m a “Glass half full” kind of person to the core! But for right now, in this moment, I am going to put those things down in front of me while I sift through everything else I’m feeling and thinking and I’m going to be human. So bear with me. (Isn’t it funny we spend so much time trying to make our lives appear like we aren’t flawed? So basically trying to convince other humans that we are not humans?)

Like I said, I air on the side of possitivty, so lets start there!

1.) I’m loving my husband right now. Everything is good in that department (which is the most important department aside from my faith), and we’re super in love and he’s super hot. The end.

2.) It’s not my kids! My kids require work and sacrifice (obviously), but I’m not particularly worn out or drained in the motherhood department right now. So check!

3.) Our finances are improving! Compared to a year ago, I’m rich (in all fairness, prior to August of last year, we were pretty broke). And hopefully compared to 18 months from now, I’m poor. Perspective. *nods head at own selfs brilliant wisdom* … (I have literally been a paid writer and I just added an “E” to the word “Wisdom” … and I did it again when typing it there. SMH)

The point I was failing to make in a concise way above, was that the main areas of my life are doing okay, and now that those areas are okay (which they aren’t always), I have been able to dig around and find some of the root issues that have been affecting my outlook and worldview.

One thing I have know about myself for a while is that I have the bad habit of taking on way too many things at one time. I mean humanly impossible to accomplish amounts of things at one time.

I desperately tried to figure out why I repeat that same pattern of taking on too much and being forced to drop it all, for a solid year. I looked into mental health issues, examined personality flaws, and dug into personal relationships to find the “Why” behind this pattern, and I came out of each investigation more perplexed than I was before.

Then a friend of mine (let’s call her “Fall” for the sake of anonymity), said something that clicked with me. Over coffee, as I was telling her about my plan to keep a chicken coup in my backyard (while I was already struggling to keep up with the other 37 projects I had going), she probed as to why I would want a chicken coup when I have 37 other things demanding my time.

Through that conversation, I realized that by caring for so many things, I was temporarily easing a pain I felt. Through each act of service, I was healing (and sometimes just putting a band-aid over) the wounds I have that come from not being cared for as a child.

Caring for a helpless cat (of which I also have too many), visiting the shelter animal, fundraising for an orphan, volunteering at church, etc., all of these things make me feel something like this: “Okay, I wasn’t taken care of, but X feels better now, so it’s okay”. Don’t get me wrong! I love serving others for many reasons, and I love helping others, but there are times when the motivation to fill a void that lingers in my soul is what pushes me to do something.

I can’t say “No” when I need to say “No” to a volunteer opportunity or helping, because I can’t stand the idea that a helpless being might need something like one of my siblings or I did and I might be the reason they aren’t getting help. *Sigh* It’s tricky business and I’m still understanding in myself, so bear with me.

I also realized through the conversation I had with my dear friend “Fall” and my Godsend of a mentor at church, that I was doing too many things to distract myself from the deep issues. It seems like a “No brainer” now that I look back that I was obviously doing too much as a distraction method, but I didn’t realize that at the time! When you’re in it, it’s often hard to see clearly.

A part of me does too much in order to build myself up. I’ll motivate myself to complete a task to help make myself feel worthy of somebody’s time or presence. It’s mainly an issue I have with myself and not how other people make me feel. I don’t bother with people who don’t bother with me … and that doesn’t bother me! However, I often begin thinking I need to be a certain person to live a certain life and attract certain people. And that’s true to a certain extent. But I am so consumed with rushing to do life differently than my adult influences as a child were, that I’m forgetting to let joy in. I’m rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to undo all of their mistakes, and I’m completely unsatisfied at the end of it.

My issue at this moment is that I know almost exactly where I want to be in this life, and I’m not there. I need to pray, journal, think, and talk (a lot of talking as it’s my main way of processing my thoughts), and I need to develop a clearer vision, plan, and path that is God lead and centered. But at this time, (although I know I’ll feel better in time, and I trust that God is in control), I feel a sadness for what I am lacking and a longing for more of what I already have.

I want fewer things and more experiences.

I want more time educating my kids, and less time that my kids are at school.

I want more alone time with my husband, and less time longing for it.

I want to raise more children, and I want the “Perfect” home to do it in.

I want to cook more and clean less.

I want to read more, and think about reading less.

I want to write my stories down, and fantasize about them less … ish.

I want to give like no one else, live like no one else, and love like no one else. (In a good way!)

I want to see new things and help more people.

I want to live around more love and less contempt.

I want to grow under brilliant leaders and yes … eventually I want a chicken coup.

Most importantly, I want to love God, know God, be loved by God, and I want to be able to answer the questions people have about loving God, being loved by God, and knowing their God.

I want to love my life and cultivate coziness and warmth in every area I can. I want light and not darkness. I want what every human will want at some point or another, and that’s wanting what I want when I want it.

I know this life won’t be perfect, and I know God has a plan. I know many of these wants and desires I have are from Him and they will never go unsettled.

I’n ready to open myself to Gods Will and I’m ready to shift where He wants me. I’ve tried too long to impose my own will on God and I think that’s the main part of my current discontentment.

Thank you so very much to anybody who took the time to read this. I wrote openly and honestly, with a lot on my mind and head, and many words flowed out! So I thank you for your interest and impressive attention span. 

Be sure to follow me on Instagram. It’s the only social media platform I use so it’s pretty epic over there. 

Love, 

Lauren of Hildyshome 

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